And I'm spent.


I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

(excerpts from "My Immortal")

For some odd reason, the wind's out of my sails right now. I'll check back in when things are going better.

Later.

Thanks to Arrowatch for being a grounding mechanism. Your kind and uplifting words were an inspiration to me. I shall leave the post up, as you suggested, for better or for worse. Perhaps you will be proven right...I truly hope so. Again, thanks.

This seems to be the day of re-opened wounds. My head is all messed up now...I haven't felt this weird since the day I found out the stuff Andrew and Katie said about me. God, what a nightmare. Shout out to Katie for breaking my carefully planned healing process--thanks a LOT. Next time I want a painful blast from the past I'll go back to my old high school and relive bad experiences.
Arg...and now I'm bitter again. I probably shouldn't be posting this, and I'll most likely delete it in the morning. So many jumbled thoughts running through my head--the most coherent one being:
"If I'm the wronged one in this situation, the one person who suffered the most from a pretty unequal love triangle, why is Katie the one who's talking about "moving on"?" For God's sake, I was doing okay on my own...I feel like I'm trapped between the hammer and the anvil. So where do I run to now for sanity?

So Katie IM's me out of the blue today. Actually, I suspect that it wasn't out of the blue--I'd like to think she was doing it on her own but somehow that doesn't seem likely. At any rate, speculations aside...I remembered all those thoughts I had back in mid-December, the things I'd say, the anger and hurt that I would let go in one firey blast. So I searched my soul and...
Nothing.
I mean, yes, there's anger...yes, there's pain...but there's enough pain in my soul already without having to hand it over to someone else, like a bad luck charm. So no, I didn't let her go unscathed...God knows I'm not perfect. But considering what I felt like doing not too long ago, and what I probably at one time was capable of, I feel glad that I was fairly contained. It gives me hope...although I suppose I regret not having enough steel to get out of the conversation faster.

My night was made! I apparently have a broader audience than just my parents and a few scattered friends. Shout out to my new Hawaiian California friend, K, aka Arrowatch. He got my SN off an earlier post and had the courage to IM me randomly, so mad props to him. Glad that I actually have a readership. My week is already made and it's not even Monday!

Oh wait...yes it is.


Oh well. *grin*

It's weird sometimes, thinking about how quickly some things change. No one ever makes friends with someone and thinks "Gee, someday this person might not be my friend anymore"--but regrettably, there are some people who will leave our lives irrevocably, for good or for ill.
Which is why I'm wondering about Katie. Emily and I got into a minor tiff over it--the cause of my post the other night--and it made me feel really torn up over what happened with Katie last semester. I never like confrontation, even with the people who've done me wrong. What hurts is that a relationship that's dead and gone is still causing me problems with the people I love. It's going to be a stumbling block in my friendship with Emily for some time, just because of my nature, who I am. I guess it kind of stings that Emily doesn't "get it" when she said that Katie and I could "still be friends." I wanted her to at least understand how I felt, how betrayed and humiliated I had been by Katie's behavior, but I couldn't even get that much. For all the compassion that gets touted these days there are still a lot of people willing to tell you to take it like a man and suck it up. Which I'm willing to do--but not at the cost of my pride and well-being, which I would certainly sacrifice if I went crawling back to Katie at any point.

BERLIN (AP)— German President Johannes Rau canceled a trip to Djibouti Tuesday after receiving threats that Islamic terrorists were planning to try and assassinate him, his office said.


Well, I guess that's what they get, after supporting our war in Iraq--oh wait, that's right, they and the French OPPOSED the war. So why would Islamic terrorists want to murder Rau?
Perhaps we would do better to consider that the terrorists want to murder everyone who doesn't bow to Mecca during prayers, everyone who doesn't attend the mosque, everyone who believes that women and men have equal rights, everyone who doesn't believe that homosexuals should be punished with mutilation and death--in short, all those who don't ascribe to the beliefs of sharia. They want us DEAD, regardless of whether we held signs that said "Bush = Hitler" or whether we looked at the footage of Saddam's statue falling and said "About damn time." The question is not "Why do they hate us?" but "Why are we such morons?"

*Sigh* What a week coming up...I have to take that lousy, no-good, stupid, crummy Orgo test tomorrow. I'm going to try to get to bed at a decent hour but I really doubt I will. Electrophilic additions can go to Hell as far as I'm concerned. And so can alkenes. And cycoalkenes. And...and...
Okay, never mind. I also have to try to patch things up with Emily--feeling sort of bad about our little tiff the other week. God knows I hate confrontation--I think I'd sooner sacrifice "being in the right" for peace of mind in a relationship. But then again, if being right was all I wanted...well, I guess sometimes you have to be willing to give up what's true for what's needed. Sometimes it pays not to have too much pride about certain things; the trick is knowing when giving up pride will yield the happiest results.
At any rate...the quantum point for this week will be tomorrow. Or, in Organic terms, the Rate Determining Step.

At last, back at Taliaferro! It's great not to have to walk all the way back to the Hospitality House when I want to get on my laptop. And all the joys of living here kicked in as soon as I got back--this afternoon Matt, Danny, and I went over the Sunken Gardens where they were giving away free Cokes. "Take as many as you want!" they said, most likely meaning one or two. Ha. We took off our shirts (being manly, rugged, men) and filled them with Cokes. TWICE. We made two trips and filled up the fridge downstairs. Last count, we still had 35, though minus a few since the exertion of getting them made us thirsty. So now I don't have to worry about wasting my money on Cokes, for at least the next few hours!

Exciting week--the College put us up at the Hospitality House (a nice hotel on Richmond Road) while they exterminate the damn bugs. So Andrew and I are there until tomorrow--we got there Monday--and it's been great. I finally get a decent night's sleep and Law and Order is on most nights.
In other news, I got a 67 on my Psych test. Yeah, not great, I know...but with any luck I'll do better next time. Plus my grades in Calc and English are good (A- and B+ respectively) so that should balance things out. Zack told me Prof. Pilkington, our instructor, curves at the end of the year too. Unrelated to that, I figured out an elaborate plan to fool the vending machine downstairs by using both change and Express points. I used the same 65 cents on my Express card twice and only spent 10 cents--for $1.40 worth of candy. Unfortunately, it isn't foolproof, but with time and patience I should be able to figure out a way to perfect it by next year.
And no, the reason I got a bad grade in Psych isn't because I goof off trying to screw the vending machine company. I got a bad grade because I don't excel in social sciences--they're so bogus anyway, I figure it's just a reflection of how much I loathe faux-scientific pursuits. No offense to shrinks or stock analysts.

Well, today was a great last day of break. Mr. Durfor and Mrs. Lufkin came down from Maryland to de-bug the room. Apparently (God bless them) they used three cans of Raid around the room and bed, and got rid of Andrew's headrest, which was the main bug base of operations in the room. I'm going to try sleeping up here tonight, since the bed is so thoroughly poisonous to insect life. I'll probably have to spray repeatedly over the course of the next couple weeks, but this looks like the start of the decline of the parasites in Taliaferro 220. So thanks to the Durfor household for their hard work...may it yield large dividends.
In other news, I've been taking lots and lots of digital pictures around the dorm. Hopefully I can send a bunch of them home and my dad can put them up on Chromatism.net (see link to your right). I hope to have a running montage of dorm life here at Taliaferro.
So tonight we see how the Great Extermination went. I'll never be able to say "sleep tight" without remembering this academic year, I imagine.

Well, I managed to grab some sleep in the lounge. Actually much better than I expected, and I conked out pretty quickly. I guess stress is a good soporific after the adrenaline wears off.
I've been thinking...(pause for obligatory wiseass comments)...that I might have caught the main contigent of the Bedbug Liberation Front or the Bedbug Authority or whatever it is these creatures happen to be calling their movement. If each bedbug averages about three bites, then that means I probably had about eight or so last night. Which is about the number I caught.
I still don't feel like sleeping there though.

And for future reference, these bedbugs aren't caused by any unsanitary habits of me or my roommate. We just happen to have the misfortune (bad karma?) of picking them up last year. I only hope we can get rid of them before next year's freshmen get here.

"I greet you from the other side of sorrow and despair..."

Here's your disgust quotient of the day. Try waking up to find you're sharing the bed with about ten bedbugs--all of which have been gorging themselves silly on your personal sanguinary fluids.
I finally realized that my bed is no longer safe when I discovered the half-inch long...THING...crawling towards the wall on one side of the mattress. It's so bloated it looks more like a minature cigar than anything else. And yes, I know, this is completely, utterly, and absolutely appalingly GROSS. But you only have to read about it.
I have to wake up to it.
We have done everything possible. Changed mattresses, spread diatomaceous earth, vacuumed, swept, washed the sheets and blankets twice. And these vermin still remain to plague me further.
I tried waking up Gabi, but she said it would have to wait til morning. So I tried calling my parents, but no one answers the phone.
Maybe I should laugh...after all, it's the one thing I haven't tried yet.

Not much to report on, break-wise. I did manage to get back to Fuqua and visit some of my teachers from high school. It's always a bit of a shock, walking back into an aspect of your pre-collegiate life. Like seeing through a pane of glass or a thin wall of water...you can interact and feel connected to your surroudings, but there's a sense that there's a separation as well. 'The Shadow,' as Eliot termed it. Not necessarily a bad thing--just the way it happens to fall when you're away for a while and put yourself back into a place where you no longer have a set role or function.
But now I'm back and Emily and Rachel (friends from Camp Chanco) are coming to visit tomorrow. We'll probably be having dinner, although they have to leave fairly early to get back to Norfolk for typical Saturday stuff. And I have to finish unpacking. Although I always think I'm traveling light, stuff always seems to accumulate. Maybe it's just the size of the room but I think my possessions are multiplying. Maybe I'll find all the CD's and books that I've lost over the years. Either way, I hope Mr. Hoffa will move soon. He's taking up lots of valuable room.

Suggested College Student's Anthem

Should I shy down? That's boring. snoring
I'd like to teach me to sing in perfect harmony
And I'd like to change the world;
It's easier than changing me
And I'd like to find one girl who knows me
Strum bang the drum alound or pt it down
And figure out if I'm out of line.
Sit around and figure out if I'm wasting time...

Wait for the sign, it's time to shine, shine, shine
Wait for the sign, it's time to shine, shine, shine

Why should I shy down?
How are you? Fine.
Why should I sit around
And be dead and never shine?
It's the giant, so defiant.
But I'm happier if I can sleep
If I wake though, volcano--Fee Fi Fo
Fum bang the drum aloud or put it down
and figure out if I'm out of line
Sit around and figure out if I'm wasting time

Wait for the sign, it's time to shine, shine, shine
Wait for the sign, it's time to shine, shine, shine

Light a fire under my assets
I'd like to, I try to tread lightly, so slightly
When the forest is before us,
But we can't see for all the trees
That's when they fall, that's when I call
The good Paul Bunyan
Bang the drum aloud or put it down
And figure out if I'm out of line

Wait for the sign, it's time to shine, shine, shine
Wait for the sign, it's time to shine, shine, shine
We're out of line, it's time to shine, shine, shine
Wait for the sign, we're gonna shine, shine, shine

Not much to say this week. Today is when things started picking up. I had a Calc quiz, a Psych Exam (or test, or whatever the term is--the whole "midterm" concept is wacky to begin with) and then a Chem lab today. So it's been all fun and games. After spending an hour and a half staring at a cyclohexane ring on a computer program, my head was aching like an overripe melon. So I went to dinner with Danni, but we just ended up getting into a political argument. She's a (yechhh) socialist, antiglobalist, pot-smoking, yadda yadda yadda. Ho hum. Same old story. The battles I choose always end up being Stalingrad or Ypres.
Today is also my nephew's birthday. Happy 14th, Dennis! Seems like he's growing up faster than I am--maybe he'll be able to buy me beer.

Danny (to Mike Nardone): "Shut up, Italian Jersey kid! That's right--the worst of Europe combined with the worst of America. You and your Northern Post-Apocolyptic Dread and your useless board of tourism and your slight success with the Karate Kid movies!"

Some reflections on the state of our country:

For all the whining and moaning that goes on about how bad off people are, we tend to neglect looking at how good the vast majority of the population has it. And I don't just mean the middle classes; for instance, consider your average homeless person. He can sleep in a library, panhandle on the streets, and buy a cheap meal at a McDonald's. Granted, it isn't a life of luxury, but how many homeless people on the streets of Nairobi or Mogadishu do you think aspire to such dreams? Let's face it--we live in a country where poor people are fat. Food and clothing are cheap, we have organizations like the Salvation Army and various other "shelters" where people can get lodging, a hot meal, and other so-called "routine" things that people like North Koreans and Cubans only dare to dream about.
Personally, I think that expanding the welfare state would actually increase the number of poor people that liberals like to bitch about. I'm not saying that all poor people are lazy and hate to work, but if you're on welfare and the consequences of getting a job are to lose all your benefits--then what path are you going to chose? You've got yourself and your kids to feed, a house to finance, etc., etc.--and there's really no point in working when those things would go down the drain merely by taking on a minimum-wage job.
I don't have any answers--hell, I got a C in Econ. There don't seem to be any simple ways to reform the welfare system as it stands today. And, unfortunately, Bart Simpson wasn't entirely correct when he said, "My opponent says there are no easy answers. I say he's not looking hard enough!"