A few updates...

The Air, Water, and Soil Lab job is mine, provided I can find a place to live. (I neglected to mention: J.P., from the infamous Taliaferro Tower, graciously recommended me for the job he is leaving next week, as his band is going on summer tour.) This is looking better and better, as a friend of our family's has some relative down there who either owns or lets houses on West Broad, which is where AWS is located. It'll be kind of cool living on my own, I suppose, if indeed I really am. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Grades are looking okay. I'm all right with being unimpressive. I didn't get anything under a B (technically) and the all-consuming Physics is gone from my life forever. Compared to my freshman year, this is a magnificent victory. My HS guidance counselor is proud of me--why shouldn't I be, too? (Proud, that is.)

The situation with Maria...it's a bit more complicated. I was hesitant at first to put the situation out here, but I figure I have little to lose by talking about it. It's really hard to tell where it's going to go--she's on a threshold, and all I can do is support her. I can't always advise her, because my feelings get in the way. That's the problem when things turn romantic; you have to come to grips with the fact that your feelings are much more likely to be self-centered than other-centered. And at a time like this, I'm assuming she needs more support than advice, and advice is what she has brothers and parents for.

I care about her, and I know she cares about me. I've never felt it returned in such a warm fashion, and I'm glad for its presence in my life. If my trust hasn't been restored, at least some of my hope and faith have been. Love doesn't has to prove its permanance...it merely has to make its potential known.

That's deep enough for 1:00 AM. I'm going to bed. Take care, everyone.

Halfway Done

At the end of last year, I did a somewhat maudlin and sentimental post about the last night in my room in Taliaferro. This year I wasn't able to do a last post from Pleasants 108, for a variety of reasons.

However, you won't find me emoting like last year. Sure, it's sad that it's the end of another era, another stage in my life. Those are always enough to make you feel a bit misty-eyed. But after all I've seen this year, I realize what I have ahead of me. And in these past few days...well...what can I say about something this amazing? I haven't felt this way, this amazed and overcome, for six years. And yes, there is some ambiguity in what I'm saying here--I don't want to give away too much because I'm not sure where things are leading me yet.

The thing is, though, is that I really do believe that everything will unfold the way it should. Without that, what do I have to hope for? I believe that eventually I'll end up where I need to be, and that things will fall into place somehow. And I can learn to be OK with things...I really think I can learn. I have a lot of time to do so.

I'm not afraid anymore. I don't think I have to be. Even though I have no idea where I'm going, I know that I will find out eventually. And after all that's happened I have reason to believe I'll be all right in the end.


Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I finally find
You and I collide...

Another long conversation with Maria online last night. This one was only four hours, though...we didn't pull a midnight-'til-morning marathon like on Saturday. Anyways, interestingly enough, she's actually been to Beaumaris, which is perhaps my favorite town in all of Wales. It was a bit surreal, talking to her about places I'd been in England, when the trip itself was rather surreal as well.
But the best part came very near the end of the conversation...

Will: sleep well
Maria: you too
Will: I will hope for your sake that you do
Maria: well, i might eventually
Maria: or, as i said, i'll just suffer withdrawal
Will: sleep withdrawal?
Maria: no
Maria: i don't really need sleep
Will: of what then?
Maria: of talking to you
Will: *...blushing for real this time*
Will: dammit, you're making this impossible :-P

Sometimes I wish those conversations didn't have to end...but I suppose their temporary nature makes them all the more enjoyable when they happen.

Well, this weekend was definitely everything I could have wanted it to be.

I woke up late on Saturday and worked on my German paper. I got into a zone, did two and a half pages, then bummed around here for a bit. At 7:00 I went over to Natasha and Elizabeth's and we walked over to Ewell Circle, where everyone was getting together to go Contra line dancing. It's in this old meeting hall or something, the kind of place you see in war movies when they have USO dances. (May I remind you again that I feel I would have fit in better in the '40's and '50's than I do in my own time?)

Anyways, it was a LOT of fun. I think I enjoyed it more than English country dancing; there's more contact with your partner, and it's much more fast paced and energetic. Also, the instruction was much more gentle. The guy at the English country dancing thing was very impatient; I think he is one of those people that doesn't do well when other people don't understand what he's saying (and I can sympathize--sometimes I have the exact same obstruction). I danced with Natasha, Elizabeth, and Juliana...it seemed wise to stay within my comfort zone of friends while learning the basics, before dancing with strangers. Elizabeth is a lot of fun to dance with--I think she was my partner three or four times, including the last waltz of the evening.

Then afterwards I went home with Eric Anderson and some friends of his. I ended up meeting them for coffee at the Grind at about 11 or so, and talked with this guy who was with them. Turns out he was in the Navy and is now going to be a SEAL. We talked about the War on Terror, the warrior ethos, John Boyd, Sparta, what makes a gentleman, and why it is necessary for the military to be a rough, uncivilized place. In other words, the kind of conversation that I love to have. The kind of conversation that is cheesecake to my soul, the comfort food of my mind and spirit. I have been dying to talk about the OODA Loop and manuever warfare with someone who had an hour to spare and ideas to kick around. Anyways, after that, I went back to Pleasants and spent six hours talking to Maria online. I think this is the first time I have stayed up all night since freshman year. And boy, was it ever worth it.

I think this was the perfect way to end the semester. Last year I ended it with an uncertain, unhealthy faux-romantic tryst. This year, I ended it with real stuff--dancing with friends, long talks, and companionship. Perhaps things will be OK after all.

I didn't actually feel like blogging tonight, and I meant to type in another web address in the browser, but somehow my fingers (with a will of their own) typed in blogger.com...so here I am.

PMA's Morally Casual was tonight. It was fun time, though not quite as fun as last year--which is probably a good thing, since the "fun time" last year involved one of the Unnamed Girls from my previous post. But anyway. There were good people there, and I met this girl named Maria who works at WCWM and came dressed as a Goth. We also did a couple renditions of several different songs--John played "Bohemian Rhapsody," "Peace of Mind," and "Here I Am (Rock You Like A Hurricane)" on the piano, and I did a tipsy cover of "Hallelujah" accompanied by a tipsier Mike Semanik. All in all, it was a nice evening/morning, and I enjoyed myself. I wish more parties could be like the ones Phi Mu Alpha throws.

I meant to mention this when it happened, but this past Tuesday I went English country dancing with some friends of mine. Or rather, one friend of mine and a bunch of people (mainly girls, happily) whom I didn't know but got to meet. A couple of them are in Delta Omicron [co-ed music frat] and we talked for a while. Anyways, tomorrow I'm going to lunch at Nawab with them and--perhaps, if my paper will permit it--a trip to some Contra dance thing that's going on in the evening.

So yeah, besides being sick with a cold and having three 8:30 exams, I've done pretty well for myself. Considering the turmoil I've been through the past two weeks or so, it seems like things might finally be settling down. Which is a good thing--after all this excitement, I could use a little boredom. And no more women with issues.


In search of some rest
In search of a break
From a life of tests
Where something's always at stake
Where something's always so far
What about my broken heart?
What about my life so far?
What about my dream?
What about...

What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars,
And all the anger that they eat?
I am not in need...

-Carbon Leaf

When enough stress isn't enough after all

You know, considering that I'm in the middle of the drama of exams, looking for work, and such, that I'd be able to avoid the drama of girls. And for the most part I do. But somehow they manage to find me anyway. This past weekend, Unnamed Girl #1 came down to visit Williamsburg and in the process asked me out for dinner. It went very well, until we started talking about...er...rather emotional issues. It's the same kind of discussion we've had before, but during this particular she got up from where we were sitting.
Walked away. I thought this kind of shit only happened in movies.
At any rate, there's other aspects to this story, but the main thing is: I don't trust people that walk away from me. If they can do it once, they'll most likely do it again. It's disrespectful, it's rude, and it shows an unwillingness to face the reality of the situation. Good riddance.
The second Unnamed Girl has decided that I am a danger to her relationship with her roommate. The roommate, you see, finds me scary and threatening to some degree; she may or may not have used the term stalking. Never mind that Girl #2 is in Delaware (300 miles away) and that she found me over this blog; no, somehow it all comes back to being my fault. So anyways, the long and short of it is that Girl #2 is "friends" with me in the sense that we can talk whenever her roommate is not around. She also refuses to add me on Facebook lest she incur her roommate's wrath.
So yeah. Cutting her loose too. Don't need this kind of dead weight on my life. I have enough problems as it is--girls with other problems are not necessary at this point.
I'm hoping I'll find sanity in this unholy mess. But it probably won't be this week.