I feel a little bit leery about posting my thoughts on this matter, given that certain people read my blog on a regular basis, but I guess I might as well...
I've been struggling lately with a moral dilemma. It's not tearing my life apart,
per se, but I'm feeling kind of, well...usually moral issues are fairly clear cut for me. I don't lie, talk about people behind their backs, steal, etc., etc. I don't sow malice or discord. I try to preserve unity and live for, if not goodness, then common decency. But dammit, sometimes the
id in me just takes over.
There's a girl I really like, to the point that I feel an intimate, yet non-romantic connection with her. This isn't to say I don't want the connection to be romantic--I am unable to take it to that level due to a relationship she is currently in. However, in most conversations in which her partner comes up, she seems relatively ambivalent about their relationship (or maybe that's just wishful thinking?). Either way, I wonder sometimes if she's just a really open and affectionate person, and I'm reading too much into it (what? ME? Never!). It's disquieting, though, that I find myself there was a way I could work myself into that dynamic and maybe just wait it out until the ambivalence resolves itself.
I suppose it's pointless to worry about it, when I'm not actively doing anything to destroy the relationship, but the feeling in and of itself is disturbing. To what lengths am I willing to go to feel re-affirmed about being a romantic person? Am I just attracted to her because I need someone to feel close to, to reassure myself than I can still feel that way? Because sometimes I have my doubts...sometimes I think I just like the idea of being that close to someone for closeness' sake.
Anyway...I'm rambling here.
Hank was joking about it with me the other night: "So, Will, how is [name here]? Has she broken up with her boyfriend yet?" And I said, "No, I wish. Actually, he's pretty cool, I guess." And Hank replied "Wrong! If he's her boyfriend, he automatically sucks! That's the way you have to think!"
I guess, even if he was joking, he's right. If I was really inclined to destroy a relationship, I'd have to have that merciless mindset. And I don't. So I guess I'll continue to hang on in quiet, desperate, optimism.