Sunday, November 07, 2004

I feel a little bit leery about posting my thoughts on this matter, given that certain people read my blog on a regular basis, but I guess I might as well...
I've been struggling lately with a moral dilemma. It's not tearing my life apart, per se, but I'm feeling kind of, well...usually moral issues are fairly clear cut for me. I don't lie, talk about people behind their backs, steal, etc., etc. I don't sow malice or discord. I try to preserve unity and live for, if not goodness, then common decency. But dammit, sometimes the id in me just takes over.
There's a girl I really like, to the point that I feel an intimate, yet non-romantic connection with her. This isn't to say I don't want the connection to be romantic--I am unable to take it to that level due to a relationship she is currently in. However, in most conversations in which her partner comes up, she seems relatively ambivalent about their relationship (or maybe that's just wishful thinking?). Either way, I wonder sometimes if she's just a really open and affectionate person, and I'm reading too much into it (what? ME? Never!). It's disquieting, though, that I find myself there was a way I could work myself into that dynamic and maybe just wait it out until the ambivalence resolves itself.
I suppose it's pointless to worry about it, when I'm not actively doing anything to destroy the relationship, but the feeling in and of itself is disturbing. To what lengths am I willing to go to feel re-affirmed about being a romantic person? Am I just attracted to her because I need someone to feel close to, to reassure myself than I can still feel that way? Because sometimes I have my doubts...sometimes I think I just like the idea of being that close to someone for closeness' sake.
Anyway...I'm rambling here.
Hank was joking about it with me the other night: "So, Will, how is [name here]? Has she broken up with her boyfriend yet?" And I said, "No, I wish. Actually, he's pretty cool, I guess." And Hank replied "Wrong! If he's her boyfriend, he automatically sucks! That's the way you have to think!"
I guess, even if he was joking, he's right. If I was really inclined to destroy a relationship, I'd have to have that merciless mindset. And I don't. So I guess I'll continue to hang on in quiet, desperate, optimism.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude. Maliciously destroying someone's relationship just to horn in yourself is bad.

A) You're stabbing another dude in the back.

B) If she'll ditch him for you...she's just as likely to ditch you for someone else.

Call me a vote for "quiet desperation." I've been thereFrom the Left, I'm Andy Ericson

11:55 PM  
Blogger Gryffilion said...

Yeah. I know. I'm not going to stab him--or her--in the back.
It's just hard when something pulls at me that strongly, to remember how my actions affect others.

12:55 AM  
Blogger Dymphna said...

It's been my experience that most relationships with women (or women with men) have that frisson of interest. One has to be an observer of life in addition to being a participant....

In a book called I Know Why We're Here an English woman tells of her discovery of psychic powers--not a happy experience as far as she's concerned because, like it or not, she frequently knew what people were thinking and it tended to mess up casual relationships. It took her a long time to merely observe life around her in order to gain some semblance of control and cooperation with this gift.

One day she's in a bar with friends, having a beer. She looks around and decides to practice her 'gift' in this crowd. Picking a man across the room, one that had his back to her, she let her mind glide lightly over his thoughts. She recoils for a moment, thinking "My God, it's true! He's talking about football and he's thinking about sex...what lurid images!" So she veers away...

On the other hand, for us 'normal' folk, most communication (about 90% they say) is unconscious. So your friend knows what you're feeling anyway.

Your poster's comment about not being the cause of anything is a good one. A positon of integrity.

8:08 AM  
Blogger Gryffilion said...

This was the only place I felt safe putting down my thoughts and fears and words...I don't have a "best friend" to give me no-bullshit feedback on things like that. Also, I knew I'd probably get a range of comments, which seemed more effecient than repeating the story to various people and thus painting myself as an obsessive worrier.
Which I am. But why solidify that impression?

3:14 PM  

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