Things I would have never expected to see/happen
-a 75 on the Physics test that I am on record as saying "I tanked"
-notification that the FAFSA deadline doesn't really matter (we shall see if this is true)
-a jazz trio playing at the Caf

For those of you that I haven't told, the "New Caf" is now located in a giant tent while they renovate the Commons. As tents go it's pretty decent; it has adequate heating/cooling, flooring, lighting, etc., and the food is fairly unchanged (not that it could have gotten much worse). Tonight is technically the "Grand Opening" even though the damn thing's been open more'n a week. Anyways, there was a trio (keyboard, sax, and bass) playing Benny Goodman tunes when I walked in. I had been planning on getting takeout since I was by myself; however, Joe Mason spotted me and waved so I went over and ate with him, Tyler, and their friend Matt.
During the meal Joe showed me this t-shirt he won in a raffle. It was a girl's t-shirt, with "WILLIAM & MARY" in pink on it, and it probably would have been a snug fit on a petite 14-year-old. He decided that he needed to try it on, so he stands up in the middle of the Caf, takes his shirt off, and puts the ladies' shirt on. It looked like Under-Armor with short sleeves; fairly skin tight. Joe looked pretty comical wearing that, pajama pants, a huge floppy stocking cap, and sandals. Like a beach bum but with less dignity, I guess.
They really should have live music in University Dining Facilities more often. It made the mediocre food taste better. Maybe we should petition Student Assembly to get a permanent jazz band to play in the Commons or the UC on a regular basis.

Wow...the reality of what I did last night is starting to kick in. Human beings aren't meant to spend long periods of time in small, cramped, spaces--and when they do, it leaves a very big psychological imprint on them. I'm just surprised that more of my dreams last night weren't about crawling through long, dark, tunnels.
I'm glad I did it, though. I needed that kind of release, that kind of farewell to Adam (as well as the troubles of the past weel). Let's hope the figurative will give birth to the real.

After reading my last post, I decided I needed a balancing factor to even things out a bit.

Things I'm Grateful For
-offensively humorous comic strips (named Something Positive, oddly enough)
-an actual decent meal at the New Caf (salmon and barbecue)
-late night critiques of SA candidates with Hank
-lunch with Sasha
-curling up with Lynn on the futon to watch Sealab 2021
-getting all A's in my German Philosophy class
-sunshine at the end of a horribly rainy day
-ice cream floats
-better living through coffee




"So may the sunrise bring hope
Where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds flying always
Over the mountain..."

I wish I had something happy to report in the aftermath of all that's happened, but it doesn't seem to be getting better yet. I've had four exams and a paper in the space of two weeks, and so far it looks like I may have really tanked on Physics. (Not surprising--I took it the day after McCool left this blighted sphere.) It's been getting easier to get up each day, not necessarily because I like getting up, but merely because things don't suck as much out of me. I can't tell if this is because I'm getting used to having my vitality sapped or because there's not much left to sap.

I realize this is sounding like a pretty bleak post, and it's probably due to the stark nature of Adam's departure. I won't pretend that I was his good friend--we were not close. But we were not far apart, either. I lived next to him for nine months and he occupied a space in my mind and in my heart. At the same time, I don't want to use his death as a crutch or an excuse for poor peformance. That being said, it's kind of rough having a freshman hallmate commit suicide. It throws you for a loop, makes you question the reality of where you are, or where you thought you were. When people you think are strong go to pieces, it can really make you scared.

So I don't know what I'm going to do. I really don't. I only hope that this crunch period passes and leaves me intact, emotion-wise and grade-wise.

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away

It's a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting its shroud
Over all that we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we're all alone
In the dream of the proud

On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
Mesmerized as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night



No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

A Very Unhappy St. Patrick's Day

Got back from Physics lab today and Danny Wysong was in the Pleasants 1st Lounge. My friend and freshman hallmate Adam McCool killed himself today, Danny told me. There would be an emergency counseling meeting/service at the UC at 8:00.
I went. I figured I needed to. I needed to be around people who had known Adam. You see, he IM'ed back on Sunday, when I got back. In a rare burst of candor he told me that he liked me (adding that he wouldn't have been able to tell me this when he was sober) and that he thought I was cool.
So I got the chance to say goodbye, in a way. We said the things we needed to say, though I didn't know it at the time. I don't know what to say that would do him justice--he was an offensive and abrasive SOB and I loved him for it. I saw in him the things I sometimes wish I had--the refusal to participate in petty matters that will only complicate our lives, the ability to live life on one's terms, and a fierce and spirited independence (though that description really doesn't do him justice). But he struggled with things beyond his control, and lost.
I pray that St. Paddy eased the troubled spirit of Eire's son Adam McCool today.





I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand

The angry boy, a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don’t belong
You’re the first to fight, you’re way too loud
You’re the flash of light on a burial shroud
I know something’s wrong
Everyone I know has got a reason
To say, "Put the past away"

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand

Well he’s on the table and he’s gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they’re doing here
And your friends have left you, you’ve been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I, I want you to know
Everyone’s got to face down the demons
Maybe today you could put the past away

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand

Can you put the past away?
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
I would understand...

Moe ended up having to go to the animal ER this afternoon due to combined problems with his obesity, UT infection, and ringworm. It looks like it's going to end up costing us a lot of money to pull him through this...poor guy. He's in so much pain it's heartbreaking.
And in my rush to get out of the house to go to see him before I left, I ended up leaving my ID and keys by the stairs to my room. Great. Now I need a temporary ID and room key. Luckily, Hank was kind enough to arrange for us to send my cardholder to his mailbox. So at least the temporary arrangements shouldn't last too long.
Pray for Moe the cat. He needs it.

This "Spring" "Break" broadcast has been brought to you by:



The Seven of Pentacles

"...The Seven of Pentacles can also indicate a crossroads. In life, there's a tendency to continue with familiar routines. To go in a new direction isn't easy. The Seven of Pentacles may be telling you to figure out if you need a course correction, or even a complete about-face. You're not yet committed to a certain path, but you could be soon. Change is still possible.
The Seven of Pentacles is not a card of endings or final decisions. The game is not over, but only on hold for a moment. Once you've gotten your breath back and checked your strategy, be ready to jump back in and work even harder than before. "

Well. There's nothing like going home to show you how much of a vacation school really is.

I should work that into a song sometime.

Anyways. Yeah. I'm on Spring Break, which the College of William and Mary (in their infinite wisdom) decided should be during the part of the year which is, technically, still winter. My household instituted an up-by-8:30 AM policy while I was away. Which means that I get up earlier than I do on just about any weekday at W & M. To top it all off, my special ed cat Moe got ringworm, which means he's quarantined to the kitchen and music room while we, or "they" for short, clean the place.
At least the house is looking nice now. Which is good, since my friend Dani might be coming down to visit. However, she's not all that great at the whole "keeping in touch" thing, so it might have to wait for some other time. Maybe over the summer.
And I might get to see Lynn in Richmond next weekend, if I get to go in to see Leigha and Jonathan (step niece and nephew).
Other than that, I got nothin'. It's just a matter of keeping a low enough profile that I don't get recruited to do any hard labor.

Somewhat more final version of The Sonnet

Here's the as-of-now finished product. The working title so far is the (extremely Emo) "Three Wishes And A Promise."

I hope that when the youth has left my soul
And age's wisdom to its reign ascends
That this same heart still beats within me, whole
As though its numbered hours had no end.
I hope that when these troubled times are past
That we will find our paths have crossed once more
Away from fickle passion's stormy blast
And windswept sands of ardor's lonely shore.
And as the autumn of your life draws near
I hope that being with me brings you joy
And memories, with a smile and a tear:
A gentle girl loved by a quiet boy.
I'd never weep for years I'd spent alone
If at their end I called your love my own.

Scans a little better and the thoughts are clearer to my mind. I think I like it OK.

Blogging late...again. Today has been busy enough that I'm not gonna come down for a bit yet.

Thanks (mostly) to Hank, I got up in time for coffee and crossiants before my German Philosopher's course. Got my paper back (A-, woot woot) and met another guy named Will who I am feeling out as a potential roommate for next year. Overall, he seems like a nice guy, but I kind of don't want to room with him because he...eh. I dunno. I like him well enough but he doesn't seem too interesting. I suppose the same could be said of me--I'm sure I've come across as kind of bland.
That is, when I'm not playing guitar and cooking. Which is what I did tonight for my friend Kanene. She brought over her friends Jason and Tiara (sounds like royalty, I know), and we had linguine in the now-famous cream sauce. Hank says it's gotten better with each consecutive attempt. I guess I really am improving.
After a nice dinner of pasta and coffee, Jason, Kanene, and I got out our guitars (or rather, they got theirs and I got Mark's) and we played a little bit. At one point, Kanene said,

"Play us a Jason Pipkin original!"

At which point I said,

"Jason Pipkin...? You're in my frat!"

He'd spent the semester away in China and I'd assumed he was in jail or dead or something because he hadn't been showing up to meetings. I browbeat him for not coming and told him to at least show up and give us his reasons why. For Heaven's sake, I mean, if you pledge to become a brother in Phi Mu Alpha you should take your oath seriously. We pride ourselves on being spiritually and emotionally deeper and more connected than most social frats. It pains me when someone doesn't take that devotion to heart.
Anyways, I let him off with a warning. And a stab wound. And then, to tie in nicely, I went to the PMA meeting, where we had a long battle over catering. We got out at 10:15, though, which is three quarters of an hour earlier than usual.
And now Hank and I are plotting our culinary misadventures. Yar har har.

Consider it a work-in-progress

*sigh* My better judgement tells me I shouldn't put this up...but...eh. The tentative title is "On Growing Old":

I hope that when the youth has left my soul
And age's wisdom to its reign ascends
That this same heart still beats within me, whole
As though its numbered hours had no end.
I hope that when these days have passed us by
That we will find our paths have crossed once more
Away from fickle passion's hue and cry,
And stormy swells of ardor's rocky shores.
And as the autumn of your life draws near
I hope that being with me brings you joy
And memories, with a smile and a tear:
A blushing girl loved by a quiet boy.
I'd never weep for years I've spent alone
If at their end I called your love my own.