Sunday, October 16, 2005

In my hands
A legacy of memories
I can hear you say my name
I can almost see your smile
Feel the warmth of your embrace
But there is nothing but silence now
Around the one I love
Is this our farewell?
Sweet darling, you worry too much
My child, see the sadness in your eyes
You are not alone in life
Although you might think that you are...

I was very afraid that this was going to happen. That the relationship that I was beginning to treasure and believe in would start to fall apart. And it has...not fallen apart completely, but it is definitely crumbling as I watch.
Maria told me that she was afraid to commit too much because she was uncertain of how our relationship would work out. I told her that I was determined to make it work, that I would do all within my power to make it work and to see it through, because I love her enough to make those kinds of sacrifices men make for the ones that they think are right for them.
But she cannot reciprocate this statement. I told her that if she cannot suspend doubt and uncertainty for hope and faith, then I am not getting what I need out of this relationship, which is a positive outlook on the future. I cannot be part of a relationship in whose future I cannot have any hope.

So here is where I stand. No matter what, I still have Me--something I have a built, a Self, things that I can hold onto through the cold nights where there's not always a happy ending or a deus ex machina to save the day. I never believed that Love wouldn't make me bleed--I just believe that no matter what, I have to stand up again, take care of my wounds, and find meaning again, come what may.

Pray God, give me strength. I haven't always been the best man, or the best Christian, or the best boyfriend. But I have strived to be so, and I will continue to strive to be so. Give me both Your comforting touch and the ability and the awareness to recognize that touch and be healed by it.

4 Comments:

Blogger ML said...

"I told her that if she cannot suspend doubt and uncertainty for hope and faith, then I am not getting what I need out of this relationship, which is a positive outlook on the future. I cannot be part of a relationship in whose future I cannot have any hope."

Maybe I misunderstand, but it sounds as if Maria is not yet as certain about the relationship as you are. That's a very common thing. People learn to trust at different speeds. It's even possible to love, trust, be hopeful and be uncertain simultaneously.

You could have hope in the future if you are able to give her the time she needs to grow toward certainty. It sounds from what you say as if you are ready to commit and wish she felt the same way. Could you try to adopt a “wait and see” approach, enjoy each other's company, and let the future unfold?
--M. Lufkin (a.k.a. Durfor)

8:20 AM  
Blogger Dymphna said...

Martha sounds like her sister, Jane! I mean, she has wise words...

If you can peer past the mood-altering, sadness, etc., that she seems to be experiencing, maybe you'd spot something to hope for. M. has got the "twenty-something-blues" and (when you have them, not everyone does)life can look sooo hard.

I believe you said you're not much of an Emily Dickinson fan, but you might like this one:

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.


(she was a reclusive Five, btw)

Clink says hello. He's sending me another copy of the songs, this time on CD. He says they're taking in a Katrina refugee.

And somebody from the Los Angeles Times wants to interview yer ol' man.

8:51 AM  
Blogger Gryffilion said...

I understand what you're saying, ML. I believed the same thing myself for a long time. But the fact is is that sometimes I need to focus on my own needs in that relationship. And when my partner tells me that she's uncertain how it's going to work out, and is holding herself back emotionally because of that, I can't help but feel hurt and frightened. I want to say I felt betrayed but that's not the right word. Rather I felt...left out. Excluded from possibility.

As it stands now, Maria and I have talked and she has expressed a deep desire to make our relationship work. So I'm definitely "waiting and seeing" as it is right now. It's pretty much all I have left, besides saying "This is all for the best" and hoping I'm not lying to myself when I say it.

11:07 AM  
Blogger Elisha said...

Sniff... that was one deep post. I just thought of dropping by, it's been a long while since I last visited your blog.

I pray the best for you and Maria and that in the end, you and her can live happily ever after apart or as one.

1:57 AM  

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