Thursday, December 16, 2004

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear...

Yes, yes, I know. Melodrama. This has been a very stressful two weeks of exams and the emotional backlash therein. I could go into detail but the main point is, my roommate and I are now at odds--or rather, he's at odds with me over a bunch of things that seem to stem from at least the beginning of the semester and possibly all the way back to last spring. At any rate, I won't take issue with that right now...I did some things wrong, for my part, and I feel that he is justified in his anger. I also feel that communication towards the beginning of the year between the two of us would have been helpful in preventing exactly this type of situation. I will admit it: I am dense. I am an intelligent, articulate, well-spoken, and well-brought up young man--but I am dense. Like my father I can often spot the subtleties in art and writing and nature, but for the life of me I cannot read other people. This is something I cannot apologize for, since denseness seems to be an innate quality that cannot be learned away. I do regret possessing it, however, and wish that some things were clearer to my eyes.

First lesson learned: I am dense. Denser, perhaps, than I originally thought.

In reference to the "losing everything"...I feel as though a lot of bonds have been lost. Bonds, perhaps, that were mere illusions to begin with. If what Hank says is true--and I have no way of knowing if it is--then a lot of people from Taliaferro were certain that he was going to kill me at some point this year due to how annoying I am. However, there are plenty of other ex-Taliaferroans who, from their actions and words this semester, have proven that they will go to bat for me if necessary.

Second lesson learned: People will not always like you. It is their right NOT to like you. It is also your right not to like them back and to choose to disassociate yourself from them.

I'm not always great with boundaries. I freely admit this. I think I have freely admitted most of the faults Hank has pointed out. Does this mean I know what to do? Hell no. I remained confused about why he was pissed at me well into this month. Clueless, yes. Well-intentioned, yes. Anxious, definitely. A good roommate? Well........obviously not for Hank. My friend Eric Anderson advised me not to draw conclusions about my attributes as a roomate from such a small sample size (2). Let's hope I have a chance to redeem myself in my own eyes about the quality of living partner I make in the next two years to come.

Third lesson learned: Intentions aren't always enough. Sometimes, nothing is ever enough. Only by exercising our constitutional right to make asshats of ourselves do we learn anything about what makes us human and why we're better off NOT acting human.

I feel like Hank and I brought things to this situation that, were we not living together, never would have been an issue. The events that transpired led to these unfortunate and troubling events, and I can only hope that time will heal the wounds and anger, the way it healed the wounds and anger between my dad and his friend Harry when they were at W & M together.
So I'm really not quite sure how to end this, since the whole situation really hasn't ended yet. Thank God for break. I can only pray for its restorative powers.


Blogger Intensified Zealot said...

Wellll I dont know how dense or bright you are but you don't sound dense from what I've seen in your profile and in your posts....

Cat Stevens rocks

9:32 AM  
Blogger Not Superman said...

Everyone is dense at some time. It happens to the best of us. Sounds like you just made some stupid mistakes, but if you learn from them and move on, it can be alright. And, yes, the poetry was melodramatic. lol. That's why I love it.

1:54 AM  
Blogger Gryffilion said...

Thanks for the gesture(s)--they're greatly appreciated.

Like I said--everyone has the constitutional right to make an asshat of themselves. It's what you do after making said asshat of yourself that speaks volumes about who you are.

1:44 AM  
Blogger Dymphna said...


Apologize. But do it only once; do it only about specific behavior and not about personal attributes like 'dense'...whatever that is. Is it like heavy water or something?

Inquire as to the statute of limitations on whatever it was that you did that was supposed to be annoying.

Avoid being scapegoated. Scapegoats exist in triangulated systems and where others feel a necessity to project their own struggles onto someone else. These are the kinds of people who enjoy making others uncomfortable. If that's the situation, then realize that your discomfort is their gauge of comfort. It's the dynamic in winner/loser thinking.

Avoid above all anyone who wants to 'report' to you anything negative that someone else has said. That's a real good place to start building a boundary.

Look outside the system for the solution/resolution of this problem. Sometimes conflicts aren't simply problems to be solved; sometimes they are mysteries to be lived. Ya gotta process all the time.

Ask yourself: WWJD--What Would Joseph Do?

5:28 PM  

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