ARCTIC ICE SHELF MOVING AWAY FROM BUSH, DEMOCRATS SAY

But Clark Caught in Ice Chunk Gaffe

by Andy Borowitz (borowitzreport.com)

The Ward Ice Shelf, the largest ice shelf in the Arctic, has fractured and is “rapidly moving away” from President George W. Bush, Democrats said today.

“The Ward Ice Shelf is doing exactly what the American people are doing: rejecting the failed policies of this administration,” Presidential candidate and former Vermont Governor Howard Dean told a crowd of enthusiastic supporters in Davenport, Iowa today.

Senator John Kerry (D-MA), campaigning in New Hampshire, echoed Mr. Dean’s words somewhat, saying, “The Ward Ice Shelf does not want another four years of George Bush and Dick Cheney,” but then added, “Howard Dean sucks, too.”

While most Democrats were quick to capitalize on the massive ice shelf’s meltdown, Retired General Wesley Clark found himself caught in yet another gaffe, struggling to explain conflicting statements he made about the Ward Ice Shelf.

After General Clark told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that he was “vehemently opposed” to the fracturing of the enormous ice chunk, Mr. Blitzer referenced a statement made by General Clark last March in which the former NATO commander said, “I don’t give a tinker’s damn whether the Ward Ice Shelf breaks up or not, and anyone who does must be smoking weed or something.”

With General Clark’s poll numbers taking a hit from his latest gaffe, the Ward Ice Shelf has emerged as the leading Democratic contender, beating President Bush by seven percentage points in the latest poll.